


Just go, Alexander

by Kimmy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Closeted, Dark, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Just... Heed the Warnings, M/M, Sadest Shit I Ever Wrote, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-31 00:45:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10888359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimmy/pseuds/Kimmy
Summary: It's always the same.





	Just go, Alexander

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AnjaWritingsx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnjaWritingsx/gifts).



> It's probably not the darkest story you ever read, but it's the darkest I ever wrote and let's face it - if you're sensitive you may want to avoid it. The ending is hopeful, however. Em, enjoy? If that word applies...

They are lost in a world of passion of heated bodies and neither of them sees the world outside of the carnal pleasure of the moment. Alec’s hand shoots to the side in an unconditional reflex and the beautiful mechanical alarm clock falls to the floor.

 

Only when they both come out of the afterglow and get dressed, do they realise what happened, and Alec lifts the broken clock up, looking guilty, and promises Magnus he will fix it.

 

Magnus sits on the sofa, cradling a glass of whisky and looking at Alec with a blank expression as the Shadowhunter tries to put the cogs together again.

 

“It fit once, why doesn’t it fit anymore?”

 

He’s talking more to himself than anyone else, frustration getting the better of him, but Magnus bursts out laughing, a hollow sound devoid of joy and Alec puts his tools down, startled, looking over at his lover.

 

“Isn't that the biggest mystery of the world. Maybe it's just old, Alexander. It's too old now and doesn't fit anymore. Like me.”

 

Magnus is looking straight at him and Alec fights the urge to squirm, unsure what to say, but opens his mouth to protest. 

 

But he doesn’t have a chance, because Magnus shuts him off with a hand movement, and makes the clock put itself back together with a snap of his fingers.

 

“Just go, Alexander.”

 

Alec goes.

 

***

 

They met at a party Isabelle dragged Alec to in search for someone who had information concerning a coming hunt.

 

Magnus saw Alec and immediately fell for the looks and shy personality and after a few shared drinks Izzy left Alec to Magnus with a wink.

 

That night, Alec lost his virginity.

 

Next week, he came back for more.

 

And when a month later Magnus came into The Institute, Alec behaved like it was the first time he saw the warlock in his life.

 

***

 

They are panting hard, trying to catch their breath and neither of them says anything for a while. 

 

For a moment, Magnus wonders if he should kiss Alec and try to make him come again just to avoid conversation. But then Alec speaks up before he can.

 

“I love you, you know. I’m sorry it has to be like that, but I love you, Magnus, no mater what. I just… You don’t understand it. I can’t come out of the closet. Even if I could be gay, I could never be with a Downworlder.”

 

Alec’s eyes are full of guilt and sincerity and Magnus’ eyes are blank and wondering. 

 

He’s so sweet and young and really fucking  _ naive.  _ He watches Alec put his jeans back on and look for his shirt, falling back onto the pillow himself.

 

“Just go, Alexander.”

 

Alec goes.

 

***

 

They watched a movie once, after some particularly good sofa sex that made both of them unwilling to move for hours. Some cheap rom-com called “Friends with benefits”. Alec decided that the concept of mundane entertainment didn’t appeal to him but he liked the idea the characters had. He told Magnus it was a great concept, wasn’t it, after all?

 

Alec’s parents might frown at him associating with Downworlders but they wouldn’t mind him befriending one if that was all. 

 

Magnus and Alec could be friends with benefits.

 

Magnus looked at him with unreadable expression and politely didn’t protest. He thought about how the whole moral from the movie was clearly lost on Alec and kept calling the Shadowhunter Alexander, the name tasting like poison on his lips.

 

After all, Alec was reserved for friends.

 

***

 

They are both spent but too hyped up to stop, hickeys covering their bodies and Magnus is on his way to making Alec come for the third time that night, feeling too good to think. His mouth unconsciously drifts to the deflect rune on his neck, but then Alec’s hand is cupping his chin and pulling him away.

 

The whisper about staying away from visible places brings him back to reality.

 

He makes Alec come again, not even thinking about his own erection, and lays back down.

 

“Just go, Alexander.”

 

Alec seems confused, as he’s still laying in bed with Magnus, but he doesn’t question it, standing up and beginning to dress himself, but then, as if making his decision, he turns around, pulling his shirt on.

 

“You always tell me to go, Magnus, I want to be here for you…”

 

Disbelieving of the boy’s naivety, Magnus laughs bitterly, unable to hold it in any longer.

 

“But that's not how it works. I am here for you and you will just leave me when you’ve finally figured things out and know what you want. I never mattered and I never will but I will allow it because I am old, don't fit, and am grasping at straws. And you will always break my heart so maybe it's better that way, when I know just how undeserving of anything more from me you are.”

 

“Just go, Alexander.”

 

Alec goes.

 

***

It was always like that.

 

They met at Magnus’ loft and they had sex.

 

“Just go, Alexander.”

 

And then Alec went.

 

***

 

It’s dark. Alec pushes the door to Magnus’ loft without a word, used to them being open to the right people. He doesn’t say a word, knowing Magnus will hear him and greet him himself, always loud and confident, so unlike Alec.

 

But Magnus isn’t in the kitchen, or lounging around on the sofa and his bedroom is dark and empty.

 

Alec calls out for the warlock, but only silence answers him.

 

***

 

Magnus Bane was centuries old. He had enough experience, he should be used to heartbreak by now. He knew he was nothing but a toy for Alec but he just felt too much, too deep.

 

He didn’t want to.

 

***

 

Alec finds Magnus on the chaise lounge on the balcony,  curled up into an impossibly tight ball for someone so tall, cocooned in a blanket and looking horrible.

 

Alec is used to Magnus without makeup but he’s still shaken to find him with his hair messy, face clean and bags under his eyes. His eyes are tightly shut, but there are tears falling down his cheeks and he’s shaking.

 

He looks young and vulnerable and  _ broken _ .

 

Alec knows it’s his fault, and something inside him breaks too.

 

Alec was a son of a bitch. And he’s not sure if he knows what love is, but he wasn’t toying with Magnus. He wanted to keep Magnus forever. He just wasn’t ready to fight for him. But now he would.

 

“Just go, Alexander.”

 

He doesn’t realise Magnus is aware of him standing there and the words hit him hard. It’s what Magnus always says after they have sex and it feels weird to hear them before. It feels weird to realise how wrong they always felt.

 

Alec wants to stay but he knows it’s not his place. He hurt Magnus and he will do his best to just remove himself from his life. He turns to go.

 

But then his eyes fall on the gun on the floor near Magnus and it clicks.

 

He turns back and takes the gun, and despite Magnus’ weak protests throws it over to the roof of the next building.

 

“You had no right to do this.” Magnus is looking at Alec with accusation.

 

“I regret a lot, but I don’t regret doing this.”

 

Something fierce burns in Magnus’ eyes, for once full of emotion instead of blank, but he worms his way deeper into the blanket, turning away from Alec.

 

“Just go, Alexander.”

  
Alec doesn’t go.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to kudos or scream at me. I guess I deserve it.


End file.
